Today I went to a Tea Party rally to celebrate becoming a billionaire

Today I went to a Tea Party rally to celebrate becoming a billionaire

by Bjorn in MN

permalink

32 Comments

This morning when I opened my e-mail I received a pleasant surprise, I have just inherited several billion dollars from a Saudi Prince.  As soon as I found out that our wars for oil had given me vast sums of money and power over the peasants of this great nation I knew that I needed to celebrate.  When I was told that there was going to be a rally at the Minnesota State Capitol where the duped peasants would teabag billionaires without even requiring us to buy them dinner first I knew I had to be there.
I donned my top hat and Armani tux and headed towards the Capitol to take a stand for a small government.  I wanted to ensure that government is limited to doing what is essential for the prosperity of this great nation.  The only role of government should be that which is outlined in the Constitution plus handing out really big contracts to Halliburton, subsidizing the oil industry, wiretapping the phones of peasants, torturing people, shooting the greedy immigrants who cross our border, making sure gays stay locked in the closet, ensuring women have no say over their bodies, starting wars, expanding the role of faith based institutions into government, busting up unions, bailing out bankers when they lose profits, and taking on other roles which benefit us billionaires.  My vision of small government is so powerful that I want to make sure more people get to be involved, that is why I supported spreading our small government to places like Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya and Pakistan.  I am hoping that soon we will be able to expand our small government to Iran as well, maybe we can even get some of those activist judges to stop paying attention to the parts of the Constitution that we don't like and allow some churches to become a part of our small government.
I arrived at the Capitol just minutes before my hero Michele Bachmann was about to take the stage.  There are very few people who have stood for the rights of billionaires to beat down dirty peasants like Michele Bachmann has, although I am proud to say that the entire Republican Party as well as many Democrats seem to be doing a great job of standing with her in her assault on the greedy workers who demand we actually pay them for their labor.
When we arrived at the Capitol I was impressed at all the support I received, my support for the billionaire agenda in plain terms seemed to be very well received.  I carried a sign which stated “Small Government, Big Wars” on one side and “Money for Halliburton Not For Schools” on the other and these were messages that seemed to resonate well with the Tea Party.  I received lots of smiles and people stopping to take my photo before I even found my billionaire friends.  

When Michele Bachmann took the stage we went and stood as close as we could get to the podium, it was roped off so we couldn't get too close, but we were able to get a good enough spot that we were visible to most of the crowd as they looked up at Saint Bachmann.
Most people seemed to realize that we were standing with them to support the billionaire agenda, but there were a few people who somehow got the absurd idea that we were lefty infiltrators who were mocking them.  A few young Republicans crossed the ropes so they could stand in front of us and block our signs, but fortunately they are in the minority of the Republican Party and the GOP officials in charge of security stood by us billionaires like they always do so well and told the young Republicans to get on the other side of the ropes and it allowed the message of the wealthy elite to continue to be heard.
Later we moved to some steps alongside the stage so we could be closer to the crowd and one peasant came to yell in our faces to tell us we didn't belong there, he thought our signs were inappropriate even though they clearly stated the Tea Party agenda.  I couldn't quite understand how he could be opposed to a message like “Money for Halliburton Not For Schools” when that is very clearly the agenda that all the Republican members of Congress who spoke from the podium have stood so firmly for these past few years.  

It was a great rally and as a billionaire I was impressed with many of the signs, but the one that had the biggest impact on me was the most commonly seen sign at the event.  It carried the simple message “No New Taxes! No New Revenue!” and in fine print on the bottom of the sign it said “Prepared and Paid For by the Republican Party of Minnesota”.  I was so proud to see the Republicans have moved beyond the simple message of “No new taxes” and have taken an even bolder stance by taking the official position of “No new revenue” as well.  That may not be a position taken by anyone who is not lying when they say they are serious about reducing the size of the government, but the beautiful thing is that many peasants don't even know they are being lied to and will cheer for this agenda that only benefits billionaires like myself.  The Republican elites know as well as I do that if we don't collect revenue the government will not be able to pay its bills and then they can declare an emergency and say we are forced to sell off public assets to billionaires like me, we can then make huge profits off the backs of the American people.  Who needs public schools when people like me need to get another yacht to show off to the peasants who will never be able to ride it?

Today I saw the greatness of an America that places corporate profits over human need...
Uh oh...
Right as I was about to wrap this post up I found out that the e-mail I received this morning was a scam.  I did not inherit billions from a Saudi Prince, it was all a lie.  I am still a peasant.  Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to cheer for the billionaire's agenda after all.